Go Reconnect!!

I think about people...I think about them all the time. Family, Friends, 'once-upon a time' friends, ex-crushes..even acquaintances. I think about each of them. At the same time when it comes to keeping in touch, I find that hard..very hard.
As time goes by, friends grow out of friendships and grow into their individual lives(not in a bad way..it's a natural order of things). Even the most closest ones start drifting away and you realize that holding on seems like a colossal and herculean task. As the years go by, keeping in touch becomes increasingly difficult.

Then there are some that you just stop being friends with at some point and never really understand why or if you do, your ego just keeps you from being friends again.

A couple of days back, I lay in bed thinking (my favorite past time until sleep
eludes me) about my 'once upon a time' and 'now out of touch friends'...friends I've shared some wonderful times and made some beautiful memories with. And then I thought of some friends I've been reckless with. I always wanted to write to them all to tell them how much and how fondly I think of them. The ones I'd been unreasonable with, I wanted to tell them I am sorry but I was too scared. I didn't know if they wanted me anymore. The fear of getting rejected was so intense that I never mustered the will to even 'try' to get in touch with them. So, the 'mix of uncertainty and procrastination' got the better of me. I put off writing for days, weeks, months..sometimes years together.

Then, on an impulse, I jumped out of bed and turned my laptop on. I shot random emails to the 'people' that occupied my thoughts. I wasn't sure if anyone would reply. But I did anyway..The 'Hi's and hello's and also the 'sorry s'. I finally hit the bed feeling good and in a certain sense relieved. Surprisingly, I fell asleep in a matter of seconds..

To my utmost surprise, the replies started pouring in...Some of them prompt, some not so prompt but I heard back from every single one of them. Each reply was brimming with details of their lives..One of them had moved into a new house ..she also sent pics. Another one was having a baby explaining how funny she felt about her baby bump. Someone had just been married after a very long courtship. One told me how a particular song on the radio reminded them of me and one of them actually professed his secret(well not anymore) crush on me.

Well! Not all replies were warm and friendly. Some carried hurt and anger..even pain from how our friendships 'ended' on a sour note. Yet I could sense the subtle 'I've missed you' undertone in them. I felt glad that despite the 'unfortunate endings' they had found the heart to write to me and share their pain, anger and confusion over what had transpired between us.

Each reply just overwhelmed me! The events were different, some details were pleasant, some not so pleasant but each reply had one common theme - 'I've thought of you so often...'I'm so happy to hear from you'..'I knew that someday you would write'..

It felt so wonderful to reconnect....to learn about their lives and in some cases realize how my actions had caused hurt, allowing me the chance to repair a few relationships. The feeling was just plain nice!! (A friend of mine tells me that 'nice' is a very good word)

As I read each reply all over again, I wondered to myself, Why do we always wait? Why do we never create an opportunity to connect with the people who mean so much to us. Those who in some way are still a part of our lives and occupy that one little corner in our hearts. If we have caused hurt and we know it, why do we refrain from saying sorry. Why do we fear that they may not want us anymore? Why don't we realize that they may be hurting and want us to listen to them..

As I sign off, I'd like to urge to everyone reading that if you are thinking about a long lost friend, lover or even an acquaintance, just take the chance to write to them. Go ahead and place that phone call. Don't guess about how they would feel or react..

For all you know, right this moment they are thinking about you too...wanting to hear from you..

So just do it without any expectations and be prepared to get surprised..:)Go Reconnect!!

Food, Shelter, Clothing and .....Education!

It was a Friday evening..On getting home from work, I was wanting to unwind a little bit. Workout or walk? The weather being really nice, I opted for the latter.

One of my thumb rules for Friday is that I don't cook. Not wanting to violate it, I stopped at 'Potbellys' which is one of my favourite sandwich shops. The place which is very busy at all times, was unusually quiet and empty that evening.

After placing my order I moved over to the counter where they add your choice of fillings to your sandwich. The girl at the counter was familiar. I'd seen her on most of my previous stops but because the place is always so busy, we'd never spoken beyond the customary 'Hi!'.This time, we exchanged 'Hi's and then to my surprise, she looked up with a bright smile and asked..'So, how are you today?' . 'I'm doing great..Being Friday, i feel all the more better' I replied..

We were waiting on my sandwich which was getting toasted.'Do you go to school' I asked? 'Oh yes! but only on Saturdays. I work two jobs and then attend school all of Saturday! It's Saturday tomorrow. I am off work..it's school day for me!' As she spoke, I could sense the excitement in her voice.

The conversation made me think of my growing up days. Then, education was 'available' to me like a basic amenity. I call it a 'basic amenity' because I received it just like food, shelter and clothing. I never had to earn my education.

I'm not oblivious to the fact that a lot of people aren't fortunate enough to receive a proper education but this came across as a very hard hitting example.
Someone who is struggling between two jobs so she can go to school one day of the week. While most people in a situation like this would completely give up the thought of an 'education', here was an excellent example of someone who was not only holding on to that 'desire' so strongly, she was doing everything in her capacity to make it work...to make it come true...

I was in awe of her, smiling to myself and hoping with all my heart that her desire and enthusiasm remain unabated and that she can fulfil her dreams.

We spoke some more and finally she handed me my sandwich her smile bright and beautiful.

'Enjoy your day at school tomorrow. I will see you soon'..I said as I walked out...more appreciative of what I had received and what I have in my life...

It happened this morning..

This morning, like any other day, I struggled to get out of bed...showered, got dressed and rushed through breakfast..I put my winter coat on and walked my way to the bus stop, fighting the wind, silently wondering when and if I would look forward to life with newfound enthusiasm..

I stood at the bus stop listening to some music mindlessly and observing people around me all of who seemed to be rushing with their lives...moving my gaze randomly from person to person, I wondered if their lives were as mechanical as mine.....that's when I saw her....

She was on the other side of the road, waiting to cross. I noticed that she moved with the help of a walker. Slowly, she pushed her way across, one step at time..all the cars waiting patiently on her..Soon, she joined me at the bus stop allowing me to take a closer look at her..She looked old and wrinkled..In her sixties maybe??
I asked myself, 'Is she really still working? At this age? In this state?'.Bus no 54 pulled up even before I could answer...She was the first one to enter..took a few minutes and then settled in one of the priority seats her walker in tow.

I occupied one of the seats at the back..but I couldn't keep my eyes off her. I am not very liberal with praise...but I must maintain that I was amazed at her independence, her will, her not wanting to give up and her endeavor to lead a normal life..despite her inability to walk. Most of all, I admired her for making it all look so easy even when she was not 'equipped' to lead a normal life..or so I thought..

I was a stark contrast...young, normal, a perfectly healthy individual who had a a great chance at a normal life. She was already putting me to shame when It started..
First she pulled out a tissue, wiped her faced and then neatly tucked the tissue into her sleeve. Next, she pulled out a little pouch which didn’t really interest me until I realized it was her 'Makeup Kit'. She took her glasses off and started with eye makeup...First came the eye shadow, a distinct shade of brown. Once done with that, the mascara come out next...She brushed her eyelids softly..first the left and then the right one..The driver braked her and she lost control of her walker and grabbed it just in time with her left hand..her brush still intact in the other hand.

The makeup only half done, she started sweating again...The hidden tissue came to the rescue..After dabbing her cheeks with it for a few seconds, it went back to where it came from. With her face pat dry, it was time to give those cheeks some color! Out came the bronzer. She used a few careful brush strokes on her cheeks until they were a pretty pink. Now it was time for the grand finale. To lend the finishing touch, out came a bright red lipstick!! She parted her lips and rubbed the stick very carefully on them. Finally, she inspected her look very critically in a small mirror and half smiled to herself which seemed to me a smile of satisfaction at her work of art..

No matter how shameless it made me look, my gaze remained fixated on her..At first, the makeup act seemed weird..'Oh Horror!..I would never ever do that in a public bus on the very front seat with every other person having access to my actions'..and yet, there she was..doing exactly that..oblivious to the whole world...No reservations at all..Nothing held her back..nothing seemed to hesitate her..
I marveled at her some more..admiring that carefree streak in her which for as long as I can remember, I've been devoid of..A 60 something, walker bound lady was a wonderful example of boundless enthusiasm...something that I was struggling to find...

She didn’t seem to care if people on the bus laughed at her for being her and finding her stupid or preposterous.. She didn’t seem to care if she was told that the eye shadow and mascara that she spend so many careful minutes applying are hidden behind her thick rimmed glasses or that the red lipstick is a tad too dark for her age. She went about her makeup routine, her enthusiasm unabated. It seemed to me like she was chose to look good for herself..to live for herself...which is something so many of us seem to have forgotten..
'When was the last time I did something for myself?..Something that made me happy..'....Silence..the only answer I receive when I don't really have an answer....

It was time to get off..As I moved towards the door, I looked at her and smiled to myself..To anyone else on the bus..she may have been a regular fellow passenger..but to me, she was an someone who'd helped me remember the little things about life that I had no memory of..

Each one of us derives inspiration from a lot of things in life. When we are least expecting it, someone shows up and inspires us in a strange, unanticipated manner..To me, it happened this morning!!

It's been a while...

Once upon a time, I used to write a lot. Nothing specific..just random thoughts. I would scribble in my diary everyday and my diaries were brimming with details..sometimes elaborate details of my daily events..of family, friends, crushes, fights, laughter, love and hurt :)(Yeah, a lot of you would agree that this is a natural order of events)..I had several personal diaries stacked up my shelf..

One random day, i picked one of them and started sifting through the pages..As I read excerpts, all the memories came rushing back in an instant...The unfortunate part was that along with the good ones were the bad ones too...and cumulatively, the recap did not make me smile..it hurt and made me sad..Honestly! the pain I felt at that point (from the sad events obviously) overrid the happiness..

That made me realise that those diaries were having me hold on to things that I so desperately wanted to let go of...I still have those diaries somewhere...but from that day...I stopped writing..


I know it's weird..almost ridiculous because writing is not about maintaining a diary..but well!! it's true.. and that is precisely why I could not WRITE anything..anymore.

Now, after some thought and some inclination towards 'wanting to write again'..I've decided to give it a shot...I candidly confess that I don't have the aptitude..nor the patience to write but I am going to try....